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The Moment I Became A Victim

Warning: The following content contains a descriptive recount of a traumatic experience that may be triggering to some readers.

I woke up to him on top of me. I thought I was dreaming until I suddenly felt all of his weight.

The night before...

I worked over 12 hours the day before due to countless weather delays and flight cancellations. I was exhausted. We were experiencing one of the worst storms I had ever seen and I couldn’t even see the ground when I looked out the airport window. I started worrying about the 30 minute drive home because I had never driven in weather like that.

As I sat waiting for the shuttle to take me to the employee parking lot, I chatted with the fuel guy who often kept me company during my shift. We shared so many lunch breaks together that I was starting to look at him like a big brother. He had stayed past his shift so I wouldn't be alone after intervening when an irate passenger decided to get up close and personal because he was outraged about a cancelled flight.

It was after 3am and my stomach was in knots about the drive home as we reached the employee lot. He offered to trail me to my exit to make sure I was ok and I thought he was the perfect gentleman.

It was the scariest drive ever. At times, I felt like my car was just floating in water. I was so shaky when I made it to the exit that I pulled over to get myself together. He pulled up beside me and asked if I was good. Then we decided to grab an early breakfast because we were both starved. We took it to my apartment but before I could eat, I needed to get out of my wet clothes. When I returned to the living room, he had fallen asleep. I thought it might be too dangerous for him to drive like that so I left him asleep and went to my room. I closed the door, ate my food, and went to sleep.

Awakened to a nightmare

I woke up to him on top of me and inside of me. It wasn’t a dream... it was a nightmare and I was wide awake. I laid there like I was dead…scared to move and hoping it would be over soon. He finished and left. For years, I have replayed this moment over and over again, each time wishing I had done something different and blaming myself for letting him in my home.

I was raped and it felt embarrassing. I thought no one would believe me since I knew him and let him in my apartment, so I didn’t tell anyone what happened. I just sat in my puddle of tears while fear, shame, and guilt filled my body. I wanted to forget it ever happened, but I wouldn't be able to, especially after I realized I was pregnant.

How would I tell my family? What would my friends think? Oh would I ever show my face in church again? These were just some of the thoughts that kept me up at night. And just as I expected, the people closest to me were full of disappointment when they learned that I was pregnant. Each conversation was emotionally charged and hard to bare. I would be so triggered that I would freeze like I did the moment I woke up to the act. I'm not sure if they thought I got pregnant on purpose or just out having casual sex without protection. The shame and judgment continued for a while but I didn't yet have the strength to talk about being raped.

Not only had I been a victim in my bedroom, but I had adopted a victim mentality. The stress of that one moment stripped me of my identity, courage, and self-esteem. I spent so much time blaming myself for what happened, that I lived in a constant state of self-defeat. I isolated myself even though I didn't want to be alone. I saw everything as something happening to me. My life felt out of my control and the worst part was when I stopped believing in myself. I may have survived the rape but at times I felt as if I was barely surviving life.

Life after

I silently struggled with the trauma of being raped for 15 years before asking for help. I started counseling and allowed myself to process what happened in a healthy way. It freed me from the nightmare that had been holding me hostage and kickstarted my healing journey. Instead of reacting to the painful parts of my life, I started focusing on me and my passions. I was taking my life back and soon would help others do the same.

I have always like helping people and often found myself in situations where I'd offer encouragement and support so I became a Life & Leadership Coach. This way I could help people help themselves and create fulfillment in their lives.

For anyone trying to move forward after a difficult experience, you don’t have to do it alone or pretend everything is okay. I help clients who have experienced hard things reclaim their power, manage their stress, and evolve into better versions of themselves.

Don’t let your past keep you from living your best life. Schedule a free 30-minute Better Life Strategy Session so you and I can discuss the life you truly desire.

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